That's Ridiculous, Madara
by Madrigal-in-training
Summary: Naruto calls bullshit on this whole reincarnation thing, because Sasuke couldn't possibly be Madara's reincarnation, if he was standing in front of them, and trying to single-handedly take over the world, right? And since the Nidaime's morally ambiguous forbidden jutsu clearly worked… (Warnings: highly suggestive themes)


_**Naruto calls bullshit on this whole reincarnation thing, because Sasuke couldn't possibly be Madara's reincarnation, if he was standing in front of them, and trying to single-handedly take over the world, right? And since the Nidaime's morally ambiguous forbidden jutsu clearly worked… (Warnings: highly suggestive themes)**_

xxxxxx

"That's complete and utter bullshit, and you know it!"

"What did you say?" Madara asked, scowling at the jinchuuriki. Naruto, though, refused to be daunted, as he glared back at the elderly Uchiha.

"The reincarnation bullshit that you keep trying to feed to the teme!" Naruto snapped back, "I don't know _why_ you feel the need to justify being friends with the Shodaime as a kid- cause, seriously, it was like a goddamn _century_ ago, and no one cares anyway- but you don't have to drag our friendship into your spiel too. You just love messing with his head, don't you? Fuck you, Uchiha."

Madara bristled. "I'm not messing with him," he fumed, "I'm the reincarnation of my ancestor, Indra Otsutsuki-"

"Bullshit," Naruto coughed.

Madara ignored him. "-and Hashirama was the reincarnation of Ashura, which is why we were destined to battle each other for power! You and Sasuke are just yet another chapter of this centuries long struggle between brothers."

"You know, I had to beat this through one dojutsu-using genius already," Naruto replied, jerking his thumb at a sheepish Neji Hyuuga, "But I guess I can say it again. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm no one's bitch! Not to Fate, not to Prophecy, and especially not to some moronic spiritual sibling rivalry!"

"Besides," Naruto added, as an afterthought, "If I believed you, then that means I lost my first kiss to my _brother_. As if it wasn't bad enough when Sasuke was just my socially retarded teammate with the avenger complex. I did _not_ engage in spiritual incest with the bastard. Just _no_."

The blonde gave a long, dramatic, full-body shudder. Madara's fingers started to twitch, as though he would like nothing more than to strangle the blonde.

"Regardless of your personal beliefs," he said, in a forcefully calm, measured tone, "The truth of the matter is that you and my descendant are destined-"

"Yeah, that's what I don't get," Naruto interrupted, ignoring Madara's glower, "Sasuke's supposed to be Indra's reincarnation, right?"

"Correct," Madara said stiffly. Perhaps the boy was finally beginning to accept the truth?

Naruto's hand rubbed the back of his head in a gesture of confusion. "So, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't reincarnation mean that a soul gets recycled into a new body? Kakashi-sensei? Am I right?"

"You are, Naruto," the white-haired man assured, struggling to hold in a smile, as he saw where the blonde's thoughts were headed. And people wondered why Naruto was his favorite student.

"So, if the bastard's Indra's reincarnation, and you," here, Naruto pointed emphatically at Madara, "Are _also_ Indra's reincarnation… then, how does that work? Did you split the soul in half or something? Do you have a time-sharing agreement, where one of you will be like a soulless puppet while the other is 'alive'? Can your soulless puppet body only communicate with one non-word and not show any facial expressions? Because, I'd totally believe that for the bastard."

"Actually, how did Sasuke even get a soul in the first place?" Naruto squinted in his friend's direction, "Madara never died, so Indra's soul wasn't available for his body. Even if your stupid theory about reincarnation is true, Sasuke couldn't possibly be Indra's reincarnation."

Sasuke decided to intervene at this point. "Dobe, just leave it," he sighed, "Madara's a fossil, who's been isolated from society for a few decades at least. He's obviously lost some of his marbles along the way, and picking on the elderly and the infirm is not cool." Madara bristled again.

Naruto scoffed. "Says the boy who tried to slaughter an entire goddamn village to avenge the brother _he killed in the first place_."

Now it was Sasuke's turn to bristle. "How was I supposed to know that Itachi was innocent?"

"Gee, Sasuke, I don't know," Naruto said, sarcastically, "It's not like Itachi was my brother, and I'd spent eight years of my life getting to know him, and admiring what a loyal and pacifistic shinobi, he was. Or maybe you could have just stopped chasing after Orochimaru for just one second, to think that no fourteen year old boy, even one as talented as Itachi, could kill an entire clan of elite shinobi, in their own fucking village, in only a few hours, without catching the attention of a single ANBU patrol!"

"You know, it's because you always have this goddamn attitude, that I left Konoha," Sasuke snapped.

"Yeah, blame this on me, why don't you?" Naruto seethed, "Relationships are a two-way street, bastard, and I am just _so sick_ of always having to make excuses for you, and-"

"Told you they were in love," Kiba whispered to a depressed Hinata. Unfortunately, both shinobi seemed to have heard him, because he was suddenly the subject of an equally intense pair of blue and red eyes.

"We're not in love!" both voices snapped, in synchronization. Naruto and Sasuke glared at Kiba for a second longer, and then returned to glaring at each other.

Madara despaired of the farce that his grand speech had become.

"How do you deal with all of this sexual tension?" Temari asked Sakura curiously.

The pinkette shrugged. "You learn to accept it, and move on," she answered, dismissively, "It's kind of attractive really, when they're in the middle of a spar, and get all hot and sweaty… I've learned to rely on my inner yaoi fangirl, that I didn't even know I had before I joined Team Seven."

"And, of course, Naruto's just one failed bet away from having to henge into his female form to have a steamy threesome with Sasuke-kun and me," she smirked, "So there's _that_ to look forward to."

"I want nothing more than to shove my Chidori into you, dobe," Sasuke snarled.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "And I'm sure that's the only thing you want to shove into me too, bastard."

"He's talking about Sasuke's sword," Kakashi clarified, helpfully, "No, Genma, I mean his _actual_ sword. The Sword of Kusanagi, that he stole from Orochimaru. Get your mind out of the gutter, man."

"Can we please get back to trying to kill each other?" Madara asked, hopefully.

"Not yet," Naruto waved his hand dismissively, "I'm on a roll here, and I want to talk about the Nidaime's jutsu next."

At this point, Sasuke glowered disdainfully, because he was an Uchiha and the Uchiha did not like the Nidaime.

The Nidaime glowered back, because he was the Nidaime, and he despised almost all of the Uchiha.

(Kagami Uchiha shifted uncomfortably in his spot within the afterlife, as he very purposefully avoided his relative's pointed looks.)

"I mean, it's a morally ambiguous jutsu _at best_ , and cripplingly offensive to the entirety of humanity and their assorted spiritual beliefs at worst," Naruto ranted, "I cannot believe that there was a point in your life when you thought that dragging souls in from the afterlife to fight in your zombie army was a good idea. No, wait, I take that back. You seem like exactly the kind of guy who tells the laws of nature to go and fuck off. And normally, I'd respect that, but I just had to go toe-to-toe with my father, and he told me that he was _proud_ of me. Just as I was shoving his own created jutsu through his stomach, and causing his _second_ untimely death. Do you see how messed up this is? How much money I'll have to budget for therapy bills in the future?"

"Luckily for you, Konoha has fantastic ninja healthcare insurance," Kakashi chirped, happily.

"Only reason I'm still fighting in this blasted war," Naruto replied, not missing a beat, "The ten-year service rates are incredible. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the Nidaime's Impure World Reincarnation binds the soul of a dead person to a living body, and it clearly works, or else I wouldn't be having nightmares about my father's bloody remains spilling over my fists. And Kabuto's been abusing it like it was some type of drug and he was an addict with an unlimited budget."

"So, over here, is Ashura's so-called reincarnation," Naruto grabbed the Shodaime by the sleeve and dragged him forward, "And I am, obviously, alive. So, what gives? Who's your real spiritual brother, Madara? _If that's even if your real name."_

Madara made a gurgling noise, too lost in his apocalyptic fury to articulate his anger clearly.

"Don't you think that you're going a bit too far, idiot?" Sasuke asked, disapproving.

"Hey, the other Madara turned out to be Kakashi's lost teammate," Naruto said, defensively. "Anything could happen at this point."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but inwardly conceded that the other boy had a point. "Hn."

"I'm not bullying him," Naruto insisted, crossing his arms.

"Hn." Sasuke was amused.

"You tried to assassinate Danzo!" Naruto threw his arms into the air in exasperation.

"Hn." A little more defiant, this time.

"You know what? I'm just done with this. _Done_ ," Naruto huffed, turning around and marching back towards Konoha. As the other ninja looked at him, shocked, Naruto looked back and arched an eyebrow towards Sasuke.

"You can follow behind me, bastard, if you want. But if you don't, then I swear, this is the last goddamn chance that I'm giving you. I will not spend another four years of my life chasing after you."

"Hn." Sasuke reluctantly began to follow behind.

"Hey! Wait for me," Sakura shouted, chasing after her two boys. She grabbed a startled Sai with one hand, a fearful Yamato with the other, and threw an amused Kakashi an exasperated smile.

"Team Seven out," Kakashi agreed, a second before a poof signaled the end of the Bunshin no one had noticed that he'd switched with.

They left behind a crowd that was half-shocked, half-resigned, and with pockets of ninjas that occasionally burst into hysterical chuckles. Shikamaru was the first to wander away, and slowly other ninjas began to drift away as well, once they saw that the fighting had stopped.

"What just happened?" Madara said, distressed, as he looked at the army that was slowly dispersing.

"It seems that this pair of incarnations has no intention to continue our fight," Hashirama chuckled, "We should have expected it really. Naruto is the number one hyperactive knuckleheaded ninja of the Leaf, and he grew up as a prankster, which installed a healthy defiance of authority in him. There's no way, he could resist poking holes into your arguments."

"And frankly, your theory was always a little ridiculous, anyway."

xxxxxxx


End file.
